Scared of Life.
Personal project sitting on my desk that has been tinkered and optimized enough to the point where you are now wasting time every single time you open up that project.
What am I waiting for?
This is not going to be the most coherent piece of writing but I feel like I need to type some things out so I can better understand them.
I'm sure I can't be the only one that has the feeling of complete reluctance to release a project because you just don't want to hear what anyone else will think of your vision, good or bad I just don't want to know. So I tell myself this one is just for personal practice, I'm ditching my own project on terms that are only a hypothetical series of events that continue to circle my mind.
What do I think is going to happen? Well they usually range from nobody cares; which to be honest is quite a soft let down, to the more aggressive; everybody now hates me, then you have the downright absurd of; I'm now banned from the internet. How can I honestly convince myself that the project I've been working on is this terrible. I've been told many times that I can't switch off. Even when I'm not working all I'm thinking about is that last piece of work I did and how much I now hate it, picking apart the design, the experience, the execution, until nothing left is worth tagging my name too.
Maybe it is a good thing to have an inbuilt filter to sieve through the terrible and only produce the best but the issue here is nothing gets produced. Nothing makes it's way through the filter, I will find fault and question any and everything I create. This won't even be from a comment that someone else has made this is purely me doubting my own ability to do anything.
I'm currently sitting on 2 completed projects and 3 in the works, it would be 3 completed projects but due to my better half convincing me to release one a couple days ago I now have time for a new project to start, let the self loathing begin.
Why don't I just find a new career then? I clearly don't enjoy what I'm doing. That's another issue, I love what I do. I enjoy starting new projects from scratch and finding solutions to problems, even the most simple issues can bring so much joy if you find that solution. My problem is I guess I don't think anyone will share the same view, just because I think it's the perfect solution doesn't mean everyone or even anyone is going to agree. The internet is a scary place.
Surely I'm not the only one?